praying my fears.

there are a few things that really scare me and some of these have only formed over the last few years and then some i’ve had since i can remember. i’m not a thrill seeker, i don’t really like reptiles or large animals (whales, sharks, even dolphins,) i don’t like being scared (like scary movies, or halloween jump-out-of-a-bush scary,) and i do NOT like to fly. these are just a few. i guess i would consider myself reserved or conservative. sometimes i envy friends who love adventure and love to take risks. but then i think, well the world needs some of my type too. we can’t all be skydivers or bungee jumpers. i say all of this because the process of going to Paris in less than two months now has been scary for me. 

i have had to and still do need to relinquish control. i am jumping into this huge deep unknown puddle of culture and change. there are so many question marks and so many what ifs and should we go’s. so many times i’ve wanted to say “nevermind, i’m too scared and i can’t do this.” i can’t even say that that sentence won’t come to my mind today, tomorrow or next week. each day is a battle to stay engaged with the Lord and what he has called Scott and I to do next. 

We recently listened to a talk by Tim Keller and he said something really profound. He said this,  “God will only give you what you would have asked for if you knew everything he knows.” 

When he said that my mind just kind of jolted. He would give us everything we ask for if we just knew all that he knows. He knows it all. He knows everything we need and could ever need for every day that I am here on this earth. If I don’t believe that, if I don’t really truly believe that, then I’m missing something fundamental. I’m wallowing in complete fear, I’m trusting in myself and my “better plan” and I’m telling God, you have no clue what you are doing. 

to walk with the Lord is to live a radically different life. it’s to be uncomfortable, to be completely dependent on him, to see him as my ultimate source of life and all things I need, and it’s to love him above any earthly thing. 

do i do this? no. i definitely don’t do this daily. a huge reason why we are going to Paris is to do this better. it’s to live outside of our box of convenience and comfortability. to take what we “know” and set it aside for a time and be learners. to immerse ourselves in communities of people who desperately need to know Jesus and to see Jesus. Keller says it’s not enough to hear the words “he loves you” they need to be shown that he loves them. they need to be shown. 

inwardly, i am wrestling with the Lord and wanting to obey so badly but also being really afraid. is he trustworthy? yes. is he forever faithful and good? yes, always. 

then i will not fear. i will walk into his plan for our life expecting to experience the depths of his love for me. 

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